I am new here and would love to share my story.
I am separated from bpd spouse, which was my idea. I asked him to leave when his rage and lack of communication became unbearable. We have done this many times throughout our 8 yrs together.
I however, am always the one begs and begs for him to return. This time, he moved in with what I once considered a single mom friend struggling to survive. I learned of this arrangement after they finalized their deal.
I begged for him to return, felt guilty for asking him to leave, and truthfully needed his financial support as I am between RN jobs. He has been fairly supportive first 2 months with financial assistance. Refuses to reconcile, threatens divorce and wanting me to leave him the f#44 alone, which I manage a few days, then feel guilty or forgiving and try to be decent for our 7 yr old son’s sake.
Ex may be civil 1 day and angry, dismissive the next. I told my therapist sometimes I feel like the bpd, when clinically I know I am not…however now codependent. I actually diagnosed him after several suicide attempts when I asked him to leave.
I truly have strong positive days, and lean on a few supportive friends, but some days I feel deprived of a much needed drug, devalued, hurt and you name it. And I reach out. When will I learn he says no contact and means it?
Why am I so powerless feeling? I am the homeowner, main bread winner and the one who got him qualified for his nice V.A. disability checks and social security disability. I know I deserve better. I know we trigger each other’s PTSD, but I feel like he did love me, and I know I love him to this day. I’d be lying if I said I don’t still harbor hope for reconciliation, especially since I now have my own therapist and he has his.
Everyone admires my strengths as a woman, and I empower others.
WTF is wrong with me here?
Please help me here!!!
Lost in SC
Dana:
Well, I am not a therapist but I would asking them what I should do.
I realize that you have a child together but I would stay NC as much as possible.
I would be working on my self and making damn sure that I keep the home environment stable and secure for my 7 yr old child.
That’s what I would be doing.
ES
